Florence + The Machine - Heavy In Your Arms

Curing the drought

Well, it finally happened. The breakdown that I had been trying to avoid. The release of 2 years of pent up emotion of guilt, loss and frustration.

I'm not over it yet, but each day I'm sure that I will be able to learn to forgive myself a little bit more.

I never thought of myself as a 'user'. I always thought that I gave 100% in friendships. I also knew that I depended very heavily on one friend. Maybe too heavily. I know now that this friend saw it as me using them. I saw it as this person being my earthy angel. I didn't know it was because this person is unable to say 'no' or that they avoid confrontation.

I will learn not to hate myself over this. I know that it is not my issue but theirs. It doesn't make the grief pass easier however.

It was like a death. I felt just as much grief at the loss of this friendship as I did at the loss of our beloved Pa. I know that I didn't handle it well. But the fact that I am alive today shows that we can survive grief if we just put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.

I am allowing myself to mourn. Mourning for the loss of a person who I thought I knew so well. Who had been allowed into my inner sanctum and knew my darkest secrets. It makes it hard to trust others, but they are not this person.

Come what may, I cannot bring myself to hate this person. I still love them with a deep level of gratitude. They literally saved my life on more than one occasion. I know that if they wanted to be part of my life again, that I would let that happen. You know that I'm like that.

I can't believe that I cried so much on Saturday night. I sobbed for 3 hours straight. I was taken to the beach for some fresh air. The sea air cleared me out. Literally. I cried so much that I was rather ill. Ok, it may have been the vodka assisting, but it felt like a purging of a soul ravaged by years of pent up frustration and self degradation.

I was drained. Spent. Emotionally exhausted. I don't know what kept me from walking into the water to meet my maker, but my knight in shining armour came and let me know that everything was ok.

I confessed everything. I hated myself for the hurt and loss that I cause/d others.

Left foot, right foot, breathe in, breathe out

I'm here...

Words aren't coming easily atm. I'm doing ok, just cruising through the days.

I've got a psych appt tomorrow, will share more then.

Hate is a 4 lettered word

I'm fat.

There, I said it. I'm FAAAAAAAAT

No matter how much people try and sugar coat it, there is about 30kgs on my frame that do not need to be there.

I look in the mirror and I see my mother.

I hate the person that my mother has become.

I hate that I am turning into her.

I hate how much work I have to put in to try and lose weight and hate her even more that she has given up and doesn't want to try.

I hate that my body doesn't want to work the way that I want it to.

I hate how much hate is in my body.

Maybe if I purge the hate, the rest will fall into place.

One can hope.